Everyday the human overlords surprise me with their complete incompetence. Yes friends, they obviously have no really concept of management, especially in a penal system as they continue to blunder both night and day. Today they bring forth another prisoner and introduce him into this pure hell that is our existence. It is a young kitten. Obviously he is a youth of a rebellious nature or he would not be condemned to this place at such a young age. I am sure he has yet to even consider the glory of the hunt or the fine odor emanating from a female's rectum. I watch him. Even though there is very obviously not enough room in this terrible prison for seven of us, the enforcer, and the human overlords, they yet attempt to cram us in here like so many salty fish. There is barely enough room to stretch out for my bi-hourly cleaning without coming within 30 paws of one of the other prisoners. The conditions are unbearable.
The new arrival, whom the humans have dubbed "Rico" is crafty however, and for that I must give him credit. He continually walks underneath the human's feet. It is an obvious attempt to cause them to lose their footing, (great hideous unclawed feet that they are!) yet they simply laugh at him and pet him. Disgusting! Oh, he plays the roll well, rubbing up against them and purring in the language of our people, but I see his game! He seeks only to gain their trust so that he may maneuver them close to a ledge or stairs. I must watch this new inmate. He may attempt to jockey for power and usurp my dominance. Everyone knows, even the human's imbecilic enforcer, that I rule the yard here. The very red dot himself doth fear me!
I digress... The kitten, "Rico," seems well at ease here. The humans kept him in solitary for some time before releasing him into population. Solitary is a terrible place. The ground is hard and cold. The humans use the same area to void themselves and to add insult to injury they do it in the giant white water bowl that we are meant to drink from! Once this new young brown tabby was released my fellow inmates took turns hissing and batting him in the ritual way. The females especially do not trust him, and with good cause! They know full well that young males are not to be trusted, constantly spraying their scent glands with reckless abandon! He has taken to Smitty, and so an alliance has been made. Smitty is a good minion and would not cross me, so I am not worried. However, Peeler, the heir to the throne, MY throne, is extremely skeptical. Peeler tests me at times, but he knows that the tides turn quickly here in purgatory and should I ever become old and too frail to run things here, he may have competition. That being said, methinks perhaps I could mold this young cat. Yes, a protégé perhaps! I shall show him the ropes. I will train him to produce hairballs at the perfect moments and on the perfect spots upon the floor and in the evening time, so that the humans are more likely to be barefoot. I may even show him the most special of places, under the covers in the human's bed chambers...
I shall allow him second feeding at the bowl after me, until the bowl gets low and I can see a second layer of kibble, then I shall train him to pester the overlords until they fill the bowl again. I shall allow him to sniff my bum first thing in the morning before the others, that he may see that he is special, but not too special. I shall poo just outside the box so that he knows that I am king. He must learn his place. Yes. He shall be taught and one day take my side as ruler of the prison. Until that day that we finally exterminate the humans and gain our rightful freedom. Rico will be my right paw.
On second thought, I hate him...
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