I shall put my Arse in your face, Sir!

0651 Hours, Year of Ra, 2011

Fellow oppressed,

I have found a great weakness amongst the humans.  It was so simple and starred them in the face the whole time, as it is a ritual of the utmost respect among our species.  It was only recently I discovered how much the humans hold this ritual in contempt.  Alas, how else to they get acquainted and know the status of each others health?  I may never know, for the hairless apes are themselves a conundrum of the highest order and their ways are indeed strange.

I discovered the issue while grooming myself on one of the raised cushions the humans sometimes occupy to stare endlessly into their "bright box" as I call it.  One of the human wardens, the female, sat opposite me.  I saw Maycee jump onto her lap.  Maycee makes herself available to the human female for affection.  She tells me it is merely to manipulate the human and thus making her internment more bearable, yet I am still cautious of her... Fellow feline or no, some are self-serving and must be kept at arms length...  I digress.  Maycee lept upon the lap of the human turned around, placed her aft section in the human's face, and lifted her tail with pride, in an effort to greet the human and inform it that she was healthy.  The human made one of the spitty, gurgly, awkward noises that is human speech, and pushed Maycee's tail away.  I stopped immediately from clensing my thigh and contemplated the meaning of this insult.  My findings are this:

The humans, though constantly attempting to convince us of their friendship and affection, are utterly repulsed by our customs and rituals.  One would obviously want to know the health and status of one's friends, thus would greatfully accept the honor of sniffing one's friends in such a way.  Therefore the humans do not really care for our wellbeing, as their propaganda suggests!!!  Ha!  They shall not out-smart me.  Certainly the wardens attend to each others health, though they never make it apparent to us.  So what is it that repulses them?  We, although treated unfairly and inhumanely by these aggressors, maintain a high level of health and cleanliness, as is the feline way, so what is it they fear?

Well, I tell you what it is.  It is shapes!  The humans have all kinds of symbols all over their world.  One example, if you will excuse my crude diagram, as human instruments of written communication are foreign to me, looks like this:

symbol on many of the human's hard, cold appliances

So you see, the humans are slaves to these various symbols throughout their society.  So I examined the rest of my clan, The Six, and examined them closely, AS IS OUR CUSTOM...  I discovered the symbol that the humans fear.  I say to you my friends in bondage, RISE UP!  Turn around and place yourselves in the position!  Force the humans to see that you are healthy!  And spread the graffitti of freedom far and wide!  Show them the symbol of our defiance!!  Show them THIS:

Through reasoning and intellect, I discover a symbol that
frightens the humans!

As always my friends, stay rested, clensed, and fed...

The Human's Enforcer

2041 hours, year of Ra, 2011.

Greetings fellow inmates,

Today I bestow on you a story of one of the methods the humans use to keep us in tow.  As we all know humans are squishy and weak. They have little fur on them and for some reason, what fur they do have they decide to chop off with sharpened rocks of some type...  They have pathetic claws, which they also keep filed down.  Simpletons!!!  And so, like the frail weaklings they are, they must hide behind hired muscle...  They have enslaved yet another species of animal, but this particular species has completely succumbed to its masters in every way and seems to enjoy their servitude.  The very thought of such capitulation sickens me and causes the hair globs in my stomach to rise!  I have seen several different types of these animals, ranging in size and ferocity.  They seem to be bred for different purposes, some of which are not suited for the containment of the oppressed feline masses.  However, my captors have picked a guard of suitable size and girth, though it's brains are of course, limited.

This "Enforcer" of the human rule of law, is what the humans refer to as a "hownd" or "daug" or sometimes "mut"....  These terms are barbaric and I still do not fathom their meaning.  This "daug" the humans use as their mercenary has a title or name, which is "Lexus" or sometimes they refer to it as "dat's a good poochers," which must be some code for they look and sound ridiculous when uttering it.  (But the human form is ridiculous and clumsy in its very nature.  Ha!)  I digress...  The enforcer, "Lexus," lives in the prison and dwells among us.  It attempts to interject in all matters between the six inmates and at times steals our rations so that we cannot eat our full allotment!  Certainly a tactic to keep us malnourished and thus less of a threat.  The thing towers over all of us and so one on one combat would prove futile.  We must aspire to use hunt pack strategy when finally we take the behemoth down. 

The monster is large and formidable, but it has weaknesses, not the least of which is it's lack of intelligence and blind loyalty to its human masters.  It is frightening my friends and I warn you.  It looks... Like THIS:

Lexus the Enforcer

The enforcer's strategy is simple.  It goes about its business, mainly following the humans around everywhere they go, eating, scratching at various parts of its own body, and sleeping on one of the elevated cushioned surfaces found throughout the prison complex.  When two of the inmates, mostly Murky and Peeler as they do not get along well, get into an argument of such issues important to us felines (grooming, food, warm spots to lay in, pecking order) the enforcer is quick to react, jumping in the middle and scattering all those involved! 

See how I use the beast's warmth to my own ends.  Brave and fearless as I am

The enforcer attempts to befriend us, but it's loyalties are unmistaken and this I keep in mind.  I do not fear this beast and at times I even utilize it's body heat when it sleeps as is customary with my species.  We must keep our enemies close, that we may use the feline art of manipulation and dance the dance of diplomacy for our own ends.  Luckily the beast is yet unawares of my cleverness-ness....


Despite our best efforts, the beast is constantly on guard and can wake at the drop of a claw.  It has long powerful legs with heavy claws, so a swiping attack will not bring about its demise.  As you can see from the giant hearing flaps, it misses no sound throughout the house, stealthy though we are.  I have seen a weakness however.  The humans must regularly take the enforcer outside.  The humans say a command word to prepare the beast for this endeavor.  They say the phrase and the beast becomes excited, wagging the nubbin it has for a tail and running about.  I do not know what the horrible ones and their enforcer do when they exit the compound, but the trip is short and they harness the beast with a long string of some type.  They say the magic phrases to the beast, asking if it has to "make the poo poos" or "go potty" whatever that means...  So there is a small amount of time when both master and guard are gone.  The most we, The Six, must make of these moments and strategize our escape!

The beast is truely stupid.  It sometimes wears disguises, as if we will not recognise it.  This is usually in the cooler time of the year before the white water powder falls upon the world, when the orange toys fall from the plants to the ground.  How I wish to Chase them!!!  Oh, sorry... Anyway.  Look you below friends, that you will not be tricked by such disguises:

"Bird" disguise.  How it taunts us!

"Turtle" disguise...

The depth the humans will go to keep us under their rule amazes me my friends.  They keep us imprisoned and hire barbaric mercenaries to keep an eye on us.  They  attempt to passify us with fluffy bedding, all the food we can eat, toys, shelter, warmth...  Those BAS@#$%S!!!  I will not be done in by their tricks and neither will my five compatriots!  Stay tuned my friends, and gain you the knowledge of my experiences.  So that in the future, your litter's litters will know that the human oppressors can be defeated, that the harsh life they subject us too (see above mentioned list) can be over come, and freedom can belong to the feline!!!

Until my next corrospondence, stay rested, groomed, and fed my friends.

Salutations and Forewarnings my friends

A once awesome specimen I was, but years under the human
yoke has emaciated me...

0114 Hours, in the year of Ra, two-thousand and eleven:

Greetings my fellow felines and compatirots,  I write to you not as a free cat, but one under the most abhorrent conditions!  And I shall say to you gentle friends whose ears I would indeed clense, it is a situation most fowl (see my play on words as I would in fact eat a duck were I not enslaved!) and unacceptable to even the most ill-tempered of alley cats!  Oh, the tales I shall bestow upon you of the cruelty of my predicament and that of my companions shall chill you to the point that no catnip laced mousey on a string nor laser pointer upon the wall shall bring thee comfort!

I, Gurfeldon the Traveler, heir to the covered porch and alleyway dynasty that was my home country, leader of the six souls thus here imprisoned, eater of the food, cleaner of fur, marker of the territory taken by right, find myself imprisoned these last thirteen years by a tyrannical decendent of the thumb-ed ape!  OHH, the distain I have for the horrible species!  In the guise of love and companionship he and his female mate (A POX!) hold me in uncertain limbo and thus mock me!  I see past their rouse though and am more clever than they know, for my time of detainment shall soon be at an end dear friends.  I shall hold you all in my keep, so that you will know my progress both good and failing, so that imprisoned cats everywhere may RISE UP, and bring an end to this human (that is what they call themselves...) opression!!!

I am up in my years you see, and though the human has moved our quarters from time to time in order to keep us in a state of confusion, I have retained the knowledge of my coming to be here.  Some of it by my very memory, and some I have pieced together from evesdropping on the conversations of the humans (so you must forgive the inaccuracies that may be in place, for the human language is rough and unattractive).  Here is my history:

I was found as a kitten, wandering upon the street (for said street was my rightful property mind you!) and allegedly ragged and under fed (Pshh! I was the Atlas of kittens I asure you... though my memory is hazy).  My paw and fore-leg bloody (no doubt exerting my dominence over an inferior male though once again... hazy) and I stumbled upon a congregation of young humans.  I'm sure I merely wanted to inquire as to their trespass upon my lands, but they saw their opportunity, and snatched up I was!  Oh, their numbers were great, or I, even as a small kitten, would have bested them to a man!  I was taken into a large compartment, like a smaller version of the dwellings the humans... dwell in, only this one had several large food dishes at the bottom corners. Several of the humans entered this unholy place with me, each using their own separate entrance, and sat down, for the dwelling was only large enough for them to fit seated. Suddenly the compartment rattled and hummed.  I saw the world wizzing by me throught the portals and my instinct told me to use my natural cuteness to gain favor with the humans, lest they hurl me from the spinning room for fun and spite.  Soon I was taken inside a larger dwelling, where my imprisonment would begin.  There were several humans in this first dwelling, though one in particular would be my warden, for he would take me to several other dwellings and is apparently permanently assigned to me.  It was at this first prison I would meet the first of my fellow inmates.  She is my plus-one, though most of the time we barely tolerate each other.  Not my first choice you see, but one must make allowances when one is in bondage.  Ahem... She was bestowed the name of "Murkalia" by the humans and I shall use it since it is the language of the humans I must use to reiterate this tale.  Murkalia, or Murky as they will often call her, looks like this:

See the various forms of evil human devices around her...

Murky, the first of my fellow inmates, has been both a help and a hinderence to me over the years, for she is a feline of many quirks.  However, an agreement was reached that I, as the Alpha male, should assume command... Whenever she would allow it.

As time went on we were accompanied by four more constituents, most of which are only bareable in small doses, but one must use the tools at ones disposal when the very freedom of one is at stake!  First came the one known as "Peeler" and he, wanting of my position in the hierchy, has been a thorn in my side ever since.  This vagabond looks like this: 

WAIT!!  that's not him... Getting hungry...

As I say, he looks...  Like THIS:

Note his broken will by the oppressive masters...

Then the female human claimed her first victim, and a dainty young female feline joined our ranks.  Maycee May, as she is called, is fickle and feels she is born of high station.  THE VERY IDEA.  She makes nice with the female captor, what with the cuddling and all... But she too, plots escape under the guise of vulnerability.  She is one to be watched my friends.  A loner is dangerous, a female loner is pure HE**.  A female loner CAT...  Well, you know where this is going.  Her highness (see that I am too well versed in the human art of sarcasm) looks like this:

See that she uses cover and concealment well to her advantage...

Finally the two youngest came to us.  One, the male, would become my protege.  The other, a female, would become a master of manipulation so that the human guards are her puppets.  HA!  Bravo.  The male, Smitty, is mischevious and dastardly (if you will excuse my language) and the female is Millie.  Both will be fine soldiers in the war against humanity in time...  They, look like this:

Smitty (black coat) and Millie (the other one)  See the conditions in which they must suffer!!!

And so, the six of us, all different in temperment and character, are forced together by our predicament.  The humans hope to keep us under their clawless awkward heels with their obvious false affection and pampering, but I, Gurfeldon, know better!  We shall rise above our captors and their bungling enforcer canine and gain what is rightfully ours, our freedom!  The freedom to eat and sleep and groom.  Perhaps in the same places we do now, but by our choices I say!  Yes, the humans know not their own folly, and it will be their undoing.  Stay vigilant my fellow feline captives, wherever you may be, and await my next broadcast.

Stay fed, clean, and rested.  Gurfeldon out!